Wednesday, November 24, 2010

(Adjective) Thanksgiving and the Obligatory "I'm Thankful For..." List

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. While I'm stoked that I have 4.5 days off work and live in California where the weather is perfect for hiking, I cannot help but look toward tomorrow with immense trepidation, fear, and all-out loathing. Celebrating with a vegetarian-friendly bunch of hipsters in Koreatown, only half of which I know and a quarter of which I can tolerate, two-thousand miles from my family is not the way I would have chosen this day to go. But people close to me in my life have this nasty habit of ignoring me in November. It's been a recurring theme throughout my life, always ending in extended-family dinners where I am invisible and birthdays (mine is in November) that I'd rather not remember. Thinking back, as I've been inclined to do lately, I realize that November Incidents are about 20% of the reason I spent so much time in therapy. Haha.

HOWEVER... and this is a huge and wonderful HOWEVER...
In the sentimental and true spirit of this holiday, I, in my snobbish, bratty reluctance to enjoy tomorrow at all, believe that I have more for which to be Thankful than anyone else I will be celebrating with tomorrow. Yes, I said it. I have lived a life that has been primarily free of struggle. At lunch with a friend today, he brought up the idea of "rich people problems." He was referencing how people in third-world countries have almost no food allergies despite being hungry most their lives. Though I am not wealthy, the obstacles I have faced in my life have been products of blessing and privilege. While this in itself is a reason to celebrate, I'd like to flaunt my blessing, if only to make myself feel a little better about being lonely in a crowd on a holiday... again.

1. I have an amazing job, in my line of work, with amazing coworkers. Yes, it can be stressful, and yes, I'm "just" an assistant, but I'm an assistant to a President of a prolific and successful company. The other assistants in my office are good people who have shown nothing but kindness and patience as I have struggled through my first year not only at this company, but my first year working full-time at any job. I've also got a boss who has integrity - such a rarity in this industry. She is also incredibly kind, and has given me an opportunity that few other people would have. And she bought me a Kindle for my birthday, which is pretty great. :-P

2. I live alone in a comfortable apartment in a great neighborhood. When I am home, I answer to no one, and it is a dream come true. My neighbors leave me and each other well-enough alone, but also have the courtesy to keep the building clean and say hi when passing on the stairs. The rooftop view is perfect, and I have a parking space... in West LA. And like I said before, this is Southern California, and I can hike any time of year.

3. I have minimal student loan debt due in part to amazing parents, in part to some scholarships, and in part to obtaining my BA in two years.

4. I have an amazing immediate family, and, for the first time in my life, I have a solid relationship with my younger brother. My parents are together, they love each other, and they love my siblings and I. We may fight sometimes, and we may disagree, but at the end of the day, we have always had each others backs. My little sister is growing into a beautiful and interesting person, and my brother has finally found purpose and direction in his life. We also have two of the greatest beagles in the history of beagles - Snoopy ain't got nothin' on Jack and Lola.

5. I have three friends that I only see a few times a year since moving out here, and I still manage to talk to them at least every other day. Nathaniel, Christine, and Jim - if you're reading this, I love you all. These are three people who are immensely intelligent and talented, but who actually think I'm worthy to be privy to their thoughts. It blows my mind that I should be so blessed with people who have stuck by my side despite distance and difference.

6. I am in good shape, and in even better health. Although I HATE doing it, I work out several times a week, and I have been seeing results. I've also limited my cheeseburger, beer, and soda intake to a much healthier amount and am currently focused on not being a social-smoker. Tomorrow will test that, but I am glad for my health and fitness.

7. I've finished a draft treatment, I'm meeting with the writing partner to discuss it tonight, I'm making headway on a marching show, and I'm actually following through with this Job idea - even if it hurts sometimes. Finally, I'm becoming a writer.

8. I belong to a socially-conscious, growing, and living church that seems to truly pursue Christ-like goals. While I believe my home church is getting there, being in Los Angeles has electrified my faith. This church has provided me with a support system. And because we are all the church united by God's love, it's the one place where I feel like I'm right at home.

9. I have a small circle of people out here that I feel comfortable calling friends. This is more than I could have said a year ago. Whether it's Todd who has been kind enough to take me to Dreamworks events or Lizzie who just gets me out of the house for some "girl time," I'm finally finding a social life that doesn't make me squirm in LA. Tomorrow notwithstanding, of course. I'm also attempting a relationship - something very new and altogether terrifying for me. And he's a good guy who puts up with as much shit from me as he gives out himself. (That was a terrible sentence, and I apologize, but I'm not fixing it.)

10. Tuesday I will be twenty-two. Everyone else at this bullshit Thanksgiving will be older than I am, and most of 'em don't have half this list. HAH!

UPDATE: Today was rather spectacular, and I feel a bit bad about being such a brat all week. The food was good, the people charming, and there were bagels and salmon spread. In all, a very good day.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

One is the Loneliest Number, but It Gets More Done

I finished the treatment on Monday, sent it out on Tuesday, and wasn't read until this morning... after I left to go home. The argument has happened, I'm over it, but it's part of the process, so it's being published.
Working with another writer who is reluctant as I am to sit down and get to work is going to be a tricky business. I'm sure this is the first of many arguments, but hopefully it will all lead to a final product that works better than we do. Haha.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I'm Finished!

Okay, so it's far from over, but I love quoting Daniel Plainview any chance I get. Though, it is slightly ironic to be quoting him in regards to a treatment for a script that I'm working on with a partner.

It exists in some sort of workable form, this treatment. It's like a shoot of a tulip. They look so stupid trying to climb out of the ground, a little weak torpedo amongst the melting snow. Then, after a few months and some melting, tulips! Probably not a great analogy, but you'd never guess those stupid little shoots that always seemed too weak to survive the last throws of winter could ever become one of my favorite flowers. That's this treatment. Weak, thin, sort of pathetic, but with loads of potential to be beautiful.

Today also marks my year anniversary with my first job in the film industry. It's pretty amazing - one year, and I still learn more in some single days on the job than I did in all the time I spent in film school. One year. So much has changed, inside my head and my heart, and outside in the parts of the world where I exist. It has gone so fast, and yet so much has happened, I feel like it could easily have been two or three years.

Life is so strange. I try so hard to fit most my days into a routine. Looking back on this past year, though, I don't know how I can have ever been bored.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Singing in the Rain

Did about three hours of writing today on the treatment. It's finally taking shape. Vaguely, but I can see something there now. It should be finished by Wednesday at the very latest. It is still rough, but I understand the story, where it's going, and how it fits together thematically. It will be fun to go through it with Paul and start fashioning a script.

Honestly, though, this treatment shouldn't be as difficult as it has been. My confidence, for whatever reason, has been ridiculously low lately. I really need to learn to relax. I enjoy writing, especially writing like this, because I feel like there are no stakes attached. It's this incessant desire to impress everyone, this apprehension that I will make a mistake with some unknown dire consequences, has gotten to be too much. I'm exhausted, and it's not worth it.

The marching show has been coming together as well - I finished a very rough first draft, and I've been reading Poe to better capture the tone that the band director wants. It will be fun to start working on that in earnest later this week.

Hopefully, my disposition will return to sunny this week. I don't think I can handle this insecurity anymore. It's exhausting. And I don't like crying outside of movie theaters.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Hurdle #1

Before getting to the hurdle, allow me to share some positives and progress:

I've done a bit of research regarding culture and politics of Chicago in the 1970s. It was an important transitional period for the city after the tumultuous 1960s. Even today, the influence of politics of 1970s Chicago can still be seen. Just look at the city scramble as another Daly leaves the throne atop the machine today. It's been enlightening, and I have several good ideas. When I discussed these with Paul, we seemed to be on the same page. Perhaps by November 15th, I will have something after all.

Another writing assignment came my way: writing narration for The Pride of Rock Island's 2011 marching show, Pulling Strings. Marching band has been so important to me for so many reasons, and it's so exciting to be a part of it again, especially during my little sister's senior year as center drum major. This is due by Thanksgiving - it needs to be short, simple, and Poe-esque.

Now the hurdle:

In researching the story of Job, I've found I can only handle the smallest doses. For various reasons, I have been incredibly emotional lately. This heightened state of emotionality, along with the subject matter of an eternal God refusing to share our purpose or the purpose of our suffering, has lead to the first intense panic attacks I've had in months. While these fearsome 15-minute struggles are a part of the reason I started writing this script, they are not any more pleasant to experience. I may have to take this script slower than I had originally planned in order to maintain my sanity.

It's funny - no matter how much healthier I feel since the climax of my anxiety troubles in high school, I can't escape it entirely. Sure, these panic attacks have been a source of inspiration, of enlightenment, but they are so painful, so excruciating. I hope someday I can regard them as an unpleasant memory. Here's to navigating this challenge in the midst of the general insecurities that already come with writing.