January has been underwhelming.
This last day leaves me bleeding to U2 videos and drinking tea.
Saturday was a revolutionary day in my brain that ended with less revolutionary behavior. After a month straight of panicking and self-loathing and taking it all out on the wrong people, I hit a low point this weekend.
Saturday morning, I was told I'm the luckiest one. I laughed it off, mostly. Then I thought about it - I'm not lucky, I've got a job to do, and God has been very insistent, despite my best efforts, to keep me on track. My mind wanders...
At church that night, the whole sermon was about God having a plan for every life. It's not enough that there is an ideal life that we've been given perfect tools for - we have to accept it as our assignment. I say I've done that, but I realized I've been rather lazy. And I say that in nearly every one of these blog entries, but it's true. I should be doing so much more. And I just don't. (For a number of reasons which all probably deserve separate bloody entries all their own this week.)
I suppose 2011 is mine to make better, and I suppose I will.
Right now, I feel a little embarrassed at my laziness and at how this must look to everyone else. I'm "lucky" and I whine and whine and whine.
It's not something I'm going to be able to change over night. But I need to toughen up and do it. I am finally accepting this mission.
Monday, January 31, 2011
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