It's Been Far Too Long

I am back in Rock Island. Funny how this is where I get my best writing done. I think it has to do with The River.
But damn it, I am so sad. I think. I'm not actually sure how to feel right now, because I am also ecstatically happy, anxious, excited, and ready for Christmas.
Nick loaned me The Princess Bride and it was wonderful to finish a novel again. And to be so engrossed I could read it in a day. For those few hours, I felt like myself, completely, entirely, and wonderfully. I can't wait to devour another book. Or to talk about this one. I love when people give me books. Honestly, aside from going to the movie theater to watch a movie, there is nothing more connective that I can think of. More genuinely connective. There is an intimacy to words that I cannot even begin to explain because I don't know if anyone else shares my sentiments. And with movies in the theater, there is this shared experience and celebration of imagination. People are silent and still and the collective consciousness prevails for that two hours.
I hate to see relationships that work change. And I just went a changed a lot of them. Changing relationships means that you usually have to express sentimentality, and I am really bad at it. I truly do care about people. I love--yes LOVE--most of my friends. But it's so hard to express that. It's so hard to just walk up to... oh, we'll say Christine or Andy since they were near-successes in the good-bye department and say "I love you and I love that you are in my life, so please stay, even if it means that it will be in a different capacity because I want to stay in yours" without missing the point or sounding clinical. Also, too many people gave me gifts. Give me your time, maybe write a note, but gifts? Oh, they were all charming and wonderful gifts--but it's so uncomfortable and I can't explain why. Let me just say that I did not receive a single gifty-gift for my birthday this year. Just a tattoo. And it was the most perfect birthday ever except the one where I got Chicklet, but giving a living creature as a gift also constitutes not a gifty-gift. Especially when it's Chicklet.
The point is, I am sad and confused and I really just want another night like Friday night, and another night like Saturday night, and maybe Tuesday night as well when I had tea that turned out to be coffee with Jordan. There was something terribly funny about meeting in the middle during all that snow fall.

Fairy tale later today, I PROMISE. I need to get lunch and unpack.